Everyone knows me and Jake were roommates back in the day, right?
Eerily similar to the movie Stepbrothers but in real life… minus the bunk beds – No chance either of us would have made it to the top bunk. Genuinely the most fun/exciting/terrifying 2 years of my life.
Jake, you remember that one time you got drunk and passed out in the living room? No? Need me to clarify which of the hundreds of times I’m talking about? No problem.
So this was coming towards the end of our 2 year cohabitation. I went to bed early most nights like an old fuddy-duddy because I was teaching and had to be a human at 7am. Jake on the other hand was in a place in life where he could close down Y’all Come Back 4-5 times a week. No shame (kinda shame)
This particular adventure happened around 3am. There I was, sleeping like an angel. When all of a sudden I was woken up by smoke. Now I don’t know if any of you have ever been woken up by smoke before but let me tell you, its shit your pants, forget the woman and children, TERRIFYING.
So I obviously bust out of my room ready to play fire fighter – when there he is, in all of his glory, DEAD fucking alseep in the recliner with a half consumed pot of FAMILY SIZE Mac and cheese sitting in his lap. Completely oblivious to the inferno that’s potentially going on in the kitchen 10 feet away.
This is the part of the story where I’m sure you’re wondering “Jarrod, where’s the fire? He’s eating the Mac and cheese, what’s burning?”. Ah, you underestimate Jake and his Gut ™. In the oven was a Digiorno pizza.. hockey puck black.. that I’m certain had been in there over an hour.
Long story short, we didn’t die in our sleep from a fire and I moved out later that month to live with Brandi. We had a kid probably 11 months later and are now married with our second one on the way. So in a way – thanks for almost killing me in my sleep, Jake. Changed my life for the better.
Moral of the story: everything happens for a reason, even burnt pizza
THE PICKS
Max’s Mississippi Mud Dogs vs Mason’s Mistress
Can we get a group “Hu-rah!” now that Max has an L on the record? Welcome to the thunder dome, kid – I hope that loss brought genuine sadness to your life.
Mason beat a cripple last week so basically he’s just a bad human. Also completely robbed Jake in a trade for Tyreek Hill – That’s kinda like beating a handicap too if you think about it. Zinger.
Max looks like a dead fish this week without Ekler, Kittle, Henderson and Mostert. Mason added stock from the best offense in football with Hill (never a bad idea) and it’s going to pay off immediately. Feel my pain, Kiddo. Mason in a blowout.
Caleb’s Cobra Clan (CCC) vs Mitchell’s Lobos
Caleb took a thumping last week and it might be a precursor for things to come. Credit to him, dudes playing the role of a legit playoff spoiler with a 5-3 record but can he hold off the slow starters like Logan and Derek?
On the other side of things, the Lobos look like they have shaken the curse of the Bambino with back to back wins against the top 2 teams – and for that..
Low blow – don’t care
I think Russ cooks this week and Buffalo will start to lean heavy on the run from here out (coin flip if it’s Singletary or Moss). Unfortunately Dalvin, Henry, Thomas and Adams just looks like an auto win against anyone right now, right? Give me the Lobos
Father TIMe vs Jakes Jive Turkeys
Is anyone else blown away by Matt Patricia and his reluctance to use his best player? Beating that horse to death, I know but yeesh. Swift was a great pick, Tim. Sorry it hasn’t panned out quite as expected. Jake made a few deals this week to send away his second best player in return for… Juju? Problem – Big Ben obviously hates the dude and only has eyes for his new bestie, Claypool. The Waller Baller deal I like more than I initially gave you shit for. So kinda okay job – ½ a high five
Alvin Kamera against a tough Tampa defense could be the deciding factor here. I don’t like Lamar against Indy but like I said earlier – Russ is going to smoke Buffalo and I expect a BIG DK day. Give me Timbo in a close one.
Logan’s Grease-Wagon vs Hanna’s Honey Badgers
Logan reminds me of Derek’s old Mercedes – The “Greasle”. If you are too young for this reference, Derek use to own an 80s Veg oil Mercedes. Thing took forever to get going.. but once it did.. it was a solid “meh”. But hey it took us places! The death squad may not be the best team – but he might be going places.
Buffalo insider – Zack Moss has arrived! And boy did Hanna need a break after the Dak.. break. Ask me last week and i would have said she was in a free fall – definite signs of life!
Looking at the matchup, the Greasle Crew fell into a Shanahan RB- big play this week. Unfortunately for Hanna she is going to die on her other Shanahan RB hill this week. Give me Logan in a big playoff jockeying game.
Derek’s BDE vs Adam’s Island of Misfit Toys
Derek just can’t decide if he wants to tank or not after an important win last week. Here’s the advice- don’t tank and play JK Dobbins every week from here until eternity. Even the bye weeks.
Oof. Speaking of top rookie running backs – is JT going to pan out? Frank Reich obviously hates the guy at this point. Someone deep dive Twitter and find out if he’s dating his daughter or something. I NEED THE DEETS.
Tough break for the Misfit Toys this week – Chase Edmunds catches a TOUGH Miami defense and Amari Cooper has Uncle Rico starting at QB. I like JK and Robinson to score big and Derek has witchcraft in terms of picking Kickers/DST. BDE but close.
Jarro’s Landsharks vs Bennie and the Jets
The King has finally returned. It’s been a LONG 7 weeks of no CMC but now all is right in the universe, so that’s a positive. Negatives – no Myles Gaskin, Chubb or Kareem Jesus.
Bennie boy got his heart broken last week and I THINK it squashed his playoff chances. My dog is going to be furious at the draft in about 6 months after giving away his first round pick – fully expect sloppy drunk Ben. Don’t let me down.
I’m really banking on this not being a 40 point Tyler Lockett week – Talking about a Britney Spears level breakdown over here if it happens.
**looks up Buffalo’s #2 corner – Levi Wallace
Seriously, who do I pray to for the bleeding to stop this week? I can’t mentally take 3 straight Ls. CMC, bring me to the promiseland. Sorry not sorry, Ben – LANDSHARKS
The MFL 