What. The. Fuck.
I’ve had to watch this all week on ESPN and that’s about all I can articulate.
What. The. Fuck.
Hey you guys know I’m a Bills fan, right? I’ve only mentioned it pretty much daily in conversation since.. well forever. Now if you’ve ever wondered how a kid from a hick town in Alabama could ever be a fan of a sports team from western New York, don’t worry I’m going to tell you.. And if you didn’t want to know, too fucking bad I have the mic (keyboard)
Buckle up.
I’m from Tuscaloosa Incase you didn’t know – lots of Yeehaws and Roll Tides. My mom had me while attending the glorious school, Shelton State University. She was in her rebellious stage of life and ran away from home to get the ”full college experience” (not sure if a kid out of wedlock was part of the original plan.. but hey I’m not complaining). So that’s where I spent my childhood – college football country where the only things that matter are the 2nd amendment and SEC football. Until my mom took me to meet my grandparents..
My grandpa is from western New York and a die hard BILLeiver. Dude is full of stories of War-Memorial stadium and watching Bills Football in negative degree weather. A true Bills Mafia OG.
So I mentioned my birth situation was less than Koser, right? Well as you can imagine my grandparents weren’t super stoked about the whole ordeal and my mother being.. well my mother, kept me from seeing them for quite a while. We actually didn’t meet until close to my first birthday – anyone wanna take a guess on when that was? The week of Jan 27, 1991.. the week the Bills lost the first of four straight Super Bowls.
Now if I was my grandpa, I would have deemed me a curse – “kid was born in 1990 and we lose in the four straight Super Bowls. Coincidence? Burn the witch!”. Not even close, he’s actually my closest family member to this day. Any chance we get, we just talk about Bills football and stories from the days of OJ Simpson and Doug Flutie. Guys my hero. When I called him after the loss, you know what he said? “This is a damn good Buffalo team, isn’t it?”. I paused for a second.. and then realized.. you’re damn right they are – we aren’t as bad as the Jets and its not the dark ages of JP Losman anymore. THE SKY ISNT FALLING!
So when Dhop caught that bullshit Hail Mary TD last week, did it sting? Sure. but you think it hurt me? Bills fans everywhere are impervious to pain after a lifetime of surrender cobras. I’ve lived through 4 straight super bowl loses at the start of my life, an 18 year playoff drought and the Music City Miracle.
So always remember – Go Go Buffalo
To the picks
Caleb’s Cobra Crew (CCC) vs Ben’s Wallabies
Get it? Walbrown – Wallabies. It’s close enough to be comical, right? Unfortunately, I think the playoff window is closed for the Australian Marsupials (doesn’t quite roll off the tongue). Looking to next year I really like 3 pieces – Lockett, Burrow, Dhop.. other than that not too much going on.. especially considering you don’t have a first round pick. The advice: maybe scourer the waiver wire for a handful of rookies with promise? Idk this is tough. I’m not sure I would sell Dhop unless someone offered the bank. Maybe pray? Human sacrifices? Let me know which one you go with, I know a guy.. #NickSatan
Cobra Crew – it’s a great name. be an alpha! You’re welcome. Caleb put up a dud last week with a dreadful sub 70 point outing.. which might be a look into his future? Singletary is invisible in Buffalo, Arob plays on the worst offense in the NFL (history?), Cam Akers can’t get on the field, and John Brown’s hamstring is held together by duct tape. The advice: I would sell Arob at his “name value” – see if you can get 2 peices that can help keep the playoff hopes alive.
The pick: So this will definitely not be written/published by Thursday’s game but it’s pretty obvious Sea/Ari will all but decide this matchup. I like Russ to get back to cookin’ and Kenyan Drake to continue to prove me wrong (only Alabama player to consistently receive my hate). I’m not sure Ben has the firepower to keep up with Caleb.. which is basically a Sparkler submerged in water worth of firepower. The Cobra Crew by double digits
Mason’s Mistress vs Father TIMe
Mason is all in on the Bucs offense – and who can blame him? Brady, Evans and Godwin are nothing I want to go against peaking ahead at their playoff schedule. Want to hear the problem? They have a week 13 bye and you are DEEP in the playoff hunt – could prove to be a fatal gamble. The advice: I’m not sure Tannehill, Woods and Boyd are the JV team I would bank my playoff hopes on – the Mistress needs one more trade to guarantee a ticket to the dance.
Deandre Swift has arrived! Better late than never, am I right? Crazy how this whole teams complexion changes with an elite RB. Speaking of elite – how did we all miss on Tee Higgins? We watched him punk people for years at Clemson. I’ll say it again, steal Tim’s secret draft sheet next year if you’re in the business of rebuilding (ahem Ben). The advice: Why isn’t Christian Kirk in your lineup? You know he’s playing Seattle right? Mitchell call your dad.
The pick: HUGE game for the playoff picture. Both squads are 5-5 and going a game back could make things complicated – the dreaded “overall points” tiebreaker could come in to play at the end of the year for the loser. All comes down to Touchdown Tom and how he plays against the 2nd ranked Rams defense. On the other side of things Tim has some really soft matchups all over the board – give me Tim but CLOSE in the GAME OF THE WEEK
Logan – G46TE vs Mitchell’s Lobos
Logan is clinging to life and has officially earned the team name ”Greatest 4-6 Team Ever” – heard it here first, folks. In terms of the “win now” approach, Logan’s doing it right. I’m not sure about the dynasty value or Henry and Jones – but I absolutely love them in the playoffs. Speaking of the playoffs, the picture is a bit muddy for my guy but with that team he absolutely could win out and run the table. The advice: don’t panic. Trust the process – I actually think you could win 2 of 3 and be the team no one wants in the first round.
Mitchell took the week off last week to ensure the playoff race was extra stressful for everyone – you hoe. The 5-5 Lobos are in a 4 way tie for 4th place but arguably has the highest upside of anyone in the pack. The advice: You found a rookie gem in Michael Pittman Jr last week – I know the flip is coming and I think there is real value there. Can you make one last deal to break the curse of the Bambino?
The pick: the projections are close and both teams look like Juggernauts coming into the seasons home stretch. The difference? Gio Bernards birthday is Sunday. Look for him to play the ultimate vulture role and steal any meaningful work from Joe Mixon (if he even plays). Give me the Lobos in a back breaker for Logan.
Derek’s Kids Bop Crew vs Jakes Jive Turkeys
Derek has the same record as Logan with a sneaky good team as well. He has two gem running backs now with Ahmed (start that guy) and Robinson AND Ronald Jones absolutely went bananas last week – proving once again that fantasy is all about getting hot at the right time. The advice: Trust in Herbi. His schedule from here out is soft and he’s red hot – ride that prepubescent Phoenix all the way to the playoffs
I refuse to write anything about Jake’s team because he doesn’t read the picks and just scrolls to his matchup. I’m officially on strike.
The pick: give me Derek because I love chaos and Herbi is bae
Max’s Mad Hatters vs Adam and his Lonely Island
Max continues to make my mid season power rankings pick look genius. How good is this team?! 6 months ago Cole Beasley was the 3rd best player on the roster.. good for you, man – solid round of applause. The advice: screw you, I’m not helping you get better. Also if you win you can’t come back – someone told you that, right?
Adam is the real MVP for letting me win last week – I may sneak into the playoffs because of your kindness. I’ll put you on my Christmas card list. If you had asked anyone if they would take a team of Jones, Watson Amari, Cupp and JT I think it would have gotten a resounding “yes” – 2020 is a bitch, man. The advice: I would hold JT and hope he figures it out next year. You’re too heavily invested to sell low – suck it up and take the L this year.
The pick: the scoring prediction is close but I’m not sure the game will be. I stay up late at night thinking about how I missed on Antonio Gibson (big week this week). Also, Kyler Murray might score 100 against the highschool soccer team playing defense in Seattle. Give me the Mad Hatters
Jarro’s Landsharks vs Hanna’s honey Badgers
Oh how the mighty have fallen.. our previous champ took an absolute ass whooping last week to the tune of 50 points and drops her to 4-6, clawing for playoff life. The Badgers are getting healthier, which is a positive but it might be just a bit too late. The advice: hear me out – bench your whole team and let me win. If you do, I’ll pick Mitchell in the playoffs and knock him out in the first round. Deal? (Look at our head to head record – he can barely buy a win)
The pick: the Landsharks can’t get healthy.. I can’t say I’ve ever been this frustrated in fantasy football. WHY CMC, WHY?! Hanna gets Golliday back which is huge.. but you know me, I refuse to pick against myself. Curse of the Landshark lives on – enjoy losing with your shit sandwich team, Hanna
Jarro out
The MFL 