By Jarro Rouse
As I sit on my couch, sipping Absolut, procrastinating my hurricane prep, only one real thing is on my mind.
THE LEAGUE
That’s right gentlemen, priorities. Learn them. There’s a reason your team is shit – and it’s probably because you’re buying ice and shoveling every pack of brown sugar cinnamon Pop-tarts into your buggy right now (dick move).
So I come to you, a humble Champion Draft Wizard, with an advice column personalized for every team. You’re welcome.
Did I mention Absolut?
GRAY: Play for the draft
Anyone look at Gray’s team and think “huh, this could work”?. A part of me wants to believe Patty can score 60 points a week.. or Jordan Howard will be the actual starter in philly and make that rookie his bitch.. or Josh Gordan can remember his AA sponsors phone number..
But you ain’t Tom Hanks and this isn’t Cast Away. Be conservative on this one, buddy. Don’t trade away your best player (OBJ) for a handful of meh players. Your team can’t win it all this year. Have faith in your young players and draft well enough next year to compete.
DEREK: Be cool, don’t fuck it up
Shhhhh.. no one look, but Derek might be sneaky good this year. After the trade today, Derek has a core of Derek Henry, Mike Evans, Tevin Coleman, Phillip Lindsey and BAKER BAKER TOUCHDOWN MAKER.. damn son.
So here comes the advice: don’t fuck it up. Don’t give away your best players after they have a bad week 1. You notoriously sell low because of a bad opening week every year. Don’t you have a degree in.. finances? The stock market? Numbers in general? Idk but do us all a solid and don’t trade Mike Evans to Mitchell.
CALEB: Jesus make it stop
Yikes. You must REALLY like us to pay 100$ to getcha ass whooped every week huh?
Likes: D-hop, Calvin Ridley, Ingram
Dislikes: EVERY player I didn’t mention
My advice: Get fucking aggressive. Make moves. Chanel your inner Mason. If you have a player besides D-hop that has a +10 week, your ass better be blowing up phones to trade them. SELL HIGH my guy. Other than that, start watching SEC football.
TIM: all for jokes
Let’s be real, Father TIMe isn’t reading this, so funny story time. How about the pre-draft strategy of getting everyone zooted beforehand? Solid work. Fun fact: Gray couldn’t drive us home after a 2 min smoke out with you.
My advice: Tell you connection to double his price.
LOGAN: damn, you did it again
Damnit man.. let’s make a recap of your last few weeks as a fantasy owner; you didn’t keep Dede Westbrook after trading for him. Yikes. Then you traded away AJ Green in a knee jerk move. Double yikes. Then you trade Phillip Lindsay JUST TO GET HIM BACK??
Damn, you did it again.
The advice: have faith in Jacobs, Kittle and Conner. Remember at the bachelor party when you said “man, I need to take advantage of someone like Mitchell and Mason do all the time”. Cough cough Ben**. You’re right, good sir.. unfortunately you consistently end up on the wrong end of the deal. Use the top 300 rankings, if the deal doesn’t add up, don’t do it.
JAKE: Stop being a little bitch
Not really advice for your fantasy team, more of a general statement. Be confident man!
Flashback to 5 years ago when we were roommates – I remember you being a fantasy football juggernaut. Staying up until 3am to take all the free agents on the waiver wire. Just beating the dog shit out of everyone. Fucking nerd.
Now look at you. Practically terrified of the group chat and got talked out of Jujus talent AFTER YOU PROVED US ALL WRONG.
My advice: Bro. Get your big dick energy back.
MASON: Do you baby, do you
Man, I could sit here and tell you to hold your players and coast to the playoffs.. but we all know that isn’t happening.
My advice: You are the Brett Farve of this league. Keep it spicy minus the dick pics. Also maybe deal for a QB?
HANNA: the real draft wizard
Not really.. but shame on me and everyone else for passing up Tony Pollard. Does Zeke not understand he has literally zero leverage for this deal? Yeesh.
This team could be sneaky good and backdoor a playoff spot if everything falls into place. A core of Pollard, Mack, Sanders, Cooks and Golliday makes you scary come playoff time. Listen, everyone hear that? It’s Derek pissing his pants to the thought of another first round exit at the hands of Hanna.
My advice: trust your team and don’t trade it away. You have a SOLID young core. No need to trade a top 3 player just because he forgot he has two years left on his deal.
ADAM: know your priorities
Just to catch everyone up, Adam has a girlfriend. Good job little buddy. Anyone else remember their first serious girlfriend and what it did to their fantasy seasons? Couple that with the loss of Andrew Luck (RIP homie) and it could spell a non committed Adam this Fall.
My advice: stay on top of your team and be aggressive. I think your team is full of fools gold that needs to be sold on their hot weeks (Todd Gurly, Keenan Allen, Damien Williams).
Also unmute us on the group chat..
BEN: BENefiting from others
Sucks to suck, Ben. You know this better than most. Fortunately for you, your team might be better than we think. Lamar Miller breaking his shit gives you a starting RB with a chip on his shoulder. Also, Buffalo might quietly cut 7million off their salary cap this year by kicking Shady to the curb (thank Mitchell for the Devin Singletary pick). Your team would be ultra competitive if all of that falls into place.
My advice: be conservative. The vultures will circle you after a bad week one.. it’s guaranteed every year. Instead of trading away your future for flash in the pan players, have faith that if a few things go your way the team you have today is a playoff team. Congrats.
MITCHELL: as deep as a kiddie pool
Why do I feel like your team is built around my team falling apart? You rostering Rashad Penny and Ito Smith is such a slap in the face.
Listen, the combination of Wentz, Saquan, Dalvin, Bell and Mixon is pretty daunting and those 5 players alone are going to win you a good number of games.. unfortunately outside of those 5 players I’m pretty sure the rest of your team plays in the CFL (seriously, who the hell is Damion Willis?)
My advice: don’t trade away all of your draft picks this year. Your team lacks championship depth because of your aggressive trades with Mason in the past. Also, when I beat that ass in the playoffs again don’t rage delete the league.
TO EVERYONE: fuck all of you
Always remember what time of year it is. There are no friends in fantasy football – and if anyone says that’s not true or “Jarrod you’re being such an asshole mehh” they are fucking LYING. No trade is made with the intention of benefiting both teams. Trades are made to slit the other guys throat and leave him dead on the ground. Period. So when push comes to shove, remember, I’ll burn every one of your houses to the ground if it gets me that jacket.
The MFL 