“Oh, hey the pizza is here”
“Yo, can you pause the draft? It’d be nice to eat without having to worry about drafting”
“Yea man, no problem. 15-minute break and then we will come back and finish the draft”
That sounds like any given draft, on any given Saturday night in the month of August, in America but no, this wasn’t just any draft… this was a huge draft… well a huge draft for me.
See, at this point, I was 18 years old, I was in someone’s house for the first time and on the cusp of breaking into a new friend group. The friend group wasn’t unapproachable, they were actually just a bunch of nice dudes (Jarro being on of them) and things weren’t all bad, at least I had Derek there with me, so worst come to worst I had someone at the draft to talk to… but the moment I was most worried about had come, the moment where the conversation would switch away from the known (football) to the unknown… whatever this group of people wanted to talk about.
What if I had nothing to say? What if they talked about things I knew nothing about?? Would I just sit there, quite, in my chair… like some kind of loser?
Then… the inner monologue began
“Do I offer to chip in on the pizza? I don’t want to seem like a cheap ass… but I also don’t want to make it seem like they’d need my money… what do I do?”
“Just be funny” I thought to myself… “yea yea funny that’s my go to… what can I do to make people laugh… what is football funny?”
By this point, 15 minutes had past and the draft had started again. I still had nothing. I had just sat there with a piece of pepperoni pizza in my hand like some kind of nerd… The draft was moving, time was ticking… think Mitchell think!!!
“oh shit… it’s my pick” I had spent so much time thinking of something funny, I had completely forgot about my pick. There was only about 30 seconds left…
I panicked, “ahhh…. Just… ahhh give me Drew Brees”
The whole room erupted in laughter. “Fuck…” I thought to myself. What didn’t I know about Drew Brees? Was he hurt? Was New Orleans under water again?? At this point I was so disconnected from what was going on around me, I had no clue what they were laughing at.
It was weird though, they seemed to just laugh and move on. I didn’t understand… usually if someone was hurt or if there was some sort of breaking news people usually say something… but there was nothing. Then, I looked over to my left and saw my friend Derek, glaring at me. “Hells wrong with him?” I thought. Draft moved on. Next up to pick, “Breezy F Baby” or as it was better know, Derek’s team.
“Damn, they were laughing because I stole Brees away from Derek”
Breezy F Baby’s next pick… Matt Stafford.
After the draft was over, Derek and I sat there awkwardly…
“So… how about the Brees pickup? Funny uh?”
“Yea… hilarious…” Derek replied
“Well, to be honest, I didn’t know Stafford was out here… wanna make a trade?”
So, there, in BJ Beamers living room, my kind heart led to Derek and I working out the first trade of the year… a straight up deal, Brees for Stafford.
That year, Brees would throw for five thousand yards and a NFL record 46 touchdown passes.
Why start week 4 picks with seems like a random story from my youth? Good question. Well, I guess I wanted you all to know that the James Robinson and Justin Jefferson jokes don’t hurt nearly as bad as you think. I am numb to it… Derek’s been doing this to me for a long time.
2009: Derek sold me a guitar for $50 he gotten for free earlier that year
2010: Derek would always short me on gas money when I’d drive him to school
2011: Derek didn’t pay his rent for the month of November in the 600 house, so I covered
2012: Derek traded me a stolen guitar for my favorite jacked
2013: Derek used my canteen card all summer and didn’t tell me
2014: Derek stole my piece of cake…. …. At my wedding.
2015: Derek stayed the night at my house and used all my coffee creamer
2016: Derek sold me a motorcycle that ran for like a week after I got it
2017: I sold Derek a beautiful Miata that he made 2k profit from… did I mention I sold it to him for $500?
2018: I traded for AJ Green. Never played a down for me
2019: I traded Mike Evans for Joe Mixon. Evans got hurt and didn’t play last 6 games.
2019: Derek stole my Obey jacket which he then sold it to Logan
2020: James Robinson & JJ
Lesson for this week kids… Don’t make deals with Derek.
The Dahminators vs Papa Tim
Maxiii!! Can I call you maxi? Or is it maxy? I don’t like Maxi-Pad which I am sure you have been called your whole life, feels too middle school for me. Again, why am I talking about nicknames instead your game? Well… that’s really all that we need to talk about. Basically, Timbo’s team is like the bad SEC West schools, sure, you should beat them but man oh man do you hate playing them. Any week Lamar could drop 50 and sink your chances. Also Decaf Metcalf is legit. Maxi you have done a great job with the rebuild, you’re basically the Miami Marlins. It makes zero sense but here you’re winning and I am not gonna stand in the way. Maxi with the W.
Uncle Sammy’s Elite vs Jarro’s Landsharks
On the list of things that I didn’t except but also kinda expected, Caleb is 2-1. Remember I said in my preseason power rankings, Caleb would make the playoffs. What I didn’t expect was Russell Wilson and Calvin Ridley to play out of this world. I would say, if you had any sense now is the time to sell, but what the hell do I know. Ride that crazy wave. Jarro is sweating this one out with the likely hood of missing a couple starters. What we both need to keep repeating to ourselves this week is “regular season games don’t matter”. Assuming Jarro’s missing some players, Caleb wins.
Logan’s Legion vs Derek’s BDE
I am going to come out and say it… I miss Logan. I just pray this is the classic “maybe if I don’t talk luck will break my way” kinda thing. Which I don’t blame Logan at all, has anyone had worse luck than him this year?? Well yes… me… but that’s another story for another time. Speaking of time, Derek’s time is next year but that doesn’t mean in any sort of the sense that this team is a push over, cause it’s not. I don’t think Justin Jefferson repeats last week’s performance, at least not this year, but he might have flex value the rest of the way. My biggest panic would be JK Dobbins, but it’s more this year panic, than long term panic. I still think this team will be there at the end battling for a playoff stop. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY CAN LOGAN GET A WIN THIS WEEK?!? LOGAN WINS
Ben’s Team vs Hanna’s Honeys
Hanna good. Ben bad. Is that enough? Probably not I guess. Ben isn’t terrible, but his team isn’t sexy. His team is basically Chili’s. Sure there’s a 2 for $20 of some kind (DeAndre Hopkins) but what’s on that menu?? (Golden Tate, David Johnson and DeVante Parker). Not enough for me to get up and leave the restaurant but not enough to make me enjoy my meal. Hanna’s team is riding the Cowboy rollercoaster all the way to glory and as long as you don’t watch the game, you will be fine. If you watch the games you might have a heart attack. That Miles Sanders fellow sure looks good. I’ll give you a Russell Gage/TJ Hockenson combo. Speaking of game winning combinations, Hanna wins.
Jake’s Jive Turkeys vs Adam’s Island Survivors
Adam called for some respect last Sunday and I am not 100% sure now is the time for a victory lap (even one as weak as asking for respect). I am not counting on a team with Darius Slayton, Robby Anderson and a young Jonathan Taylor in the lineup. Slayton-boom or bust. Robby Anderson-Robby Anderson. Jonathan Taylor-3.9 YPC against the Jets? 2.9 Week 1? A good week against the Vikings, who it looks like might be the most fantasy friendly rushing defense in the league? Now, he’s going to be great, no doubt. But this year, 2020… ehh I’ve got my doubts, especially this week against the Bears. Good news, Jake got everyone he wanted off waivers this week. The bad news, it was Brian Hill and JD McKissic, who no one else wanted. Brain Hill is fine and he broke a 40 yard TD last week but that number starts to look real bad when you consider the rest of the time he was 8 for 18 yards. If TGIII got hurt on Sunday, is Brain Hill a starter? Only on a team so bad it would start Rex Burkhead… oh wait… anyways, if someone can tell me the difference between Father Tim’s team and Jakes I’d love to hear it. I guess Alvin Kamara? But basically, like Father Tim, if Patty drops 40 you got a good chance of winning. Give me Adam in a close one.
Ps, I’ll become your biggest fan is you just name your team what it should be. You JT.
Mason’s Mistress vs Breezy F Baby
Well well well… I feel like this game has a very very wide range of outcomes. No Ben/Henry & no Juju. Adams & Julio may or may not start. The good news is I have fantasy super star Hayden Hurst ready to roll if Julio and Gage are out. I feel like our game is going to be decided tonight. Do the Jets lay down and just get Gase fired? If the Jets D/ST go for less than 5, I lose this week. If Crowder goes +10, Mason wins this week. It’s going to be a very oddly high stakes game for us. I would say Mason is going to win BUT BREEZY F BABY DON’T TAKE NO SHIT FROM NO ONE. BREEZY F BABY WINS.
The MFL 