It was a balmy night… about 72 very humid degrees.
We had wondered around the entire place at least once; we finally got our drinks and we decided that we needed to get in line for an attraction. The attraction we decided on was “3D killer clowns” because you can’t attend “Screammagedon” and not go for the clowns… right? This particular “haunted house” required special 3D glasses… you know, the hard-plastic type that just had been worn by, conservatively, a thousand people that night, all things you push to the back of your mind in a global pandemic.
Quickly we realized you cannot take drinks inside so while waiting in line we had to chug the $10 Bud Light drafts we’d just purchased, this proved to be no problem for the seasoned alcoholics in the group, and if those who weren’t alcoholics, they too didn’t seem to have any issue either. They could simply pass their half drank beer to end of the line where it was guzzled as if the people at the end of the line hadn’t seen water in weeks.
Once we were inside the house, it was nothing but neon colors, loud music and strobe lights, all there to confuse you while the minimum wage worker comes around the corner to deliver a half hearted “Boo”. I have always enjoyed this tomfoolery in the season of the witch, plus what could a better place for some good-hearted people on a Thursday night bender?
I was at the end of the line, I prefer that spot because I like to walk a little slower than the group, enjoy the buzz forcing me to walk sideways… take a deep breath…. …. and take it all in. I was in my happy place, with my friends, my wife, and on top of that, the Eagles D/ST scored a solid 9 points. It was great. Until my peace was disrupted when out of nowhere… I was grabbed…
As I felt the hands grasp the sides of my hips, I quickly remembered that I was, in fact, at the end of the line with my group, so these hands didn’t belong to someone I would call a friend. Nor did the belong to someone who worked at the attraction, as all the workers have been instructed to not touch the customers.
“Whose hands are these?” Realizing in a single moment that these aren’t friendly hands, I whipped around to face my assailant. It was a woman, in her late 20’s/early 30’s, frantically clinging to my hips. I attempted to wiggle myself free, but she began to plead “please please get me out of here”. Surely, this place of 3D clown horror was not for her.
Upon hearing her pleas, I knew I could not leave her, it became my mission to get this woman out. I wanted to create a bubble of protection for her, so I attempted to put her in between Hanna and I. I took her hands off my hips and motioned for her to go in front of me as I ensured her “everything will be fine, just keep moving”.
It was at that very poetic moment, our friend Logan DeVega popped out from around a corner and scared this woman so bad she went into a fetal position on the floor.
…We were halfway through the 3D Clown Horror house…
Don’t worry people I got her out of the house and then quickly realized she wasn’t disabled or hurt in any way, nope she was simply drunk and dramatic. No excuse to grope a stranger.
Now, I wasn’t damaged mentally or physically from this experience, instead I thought about fantasy. Who has a metaphorical “Logan DeVega” hiding around a corner? Who has been metaphorically “grabbing someone by the sides” and letting them carry their team though the season?? Here’s four…
- Jarro. Now, Jarro has a great team but he has 659 points scored against, for context that’s a whooping 250 points less than Logan and 110 fewer points scored against than the next closest. Is Jarro bad? No. Has it had a pretty easy trip to 5-2? There’s no denying it.
- Caleb. Caleb has Russell Wilson, that’s great. Russell Wilson has averaged 36 points a game… that’s great. Caleb is averaging right around 116 a week… that’s pretty good… if you average that most QB score closer to 18-25 a week, Caleb’s weekly score drops closer to the 100 range… that’s less good. Which tells us, if Russell Wilsons MVP season takes even the smallest regression to the norm, Caleb is in trouble. Again, is Caleb bad? No. Is Caleb 5-2 good?… …. No. (Psssstttt… also Caleb is second fewest in Points Against.)
- Max. Two things are undeniably true about Max’s season. First, he did a fantastic rebuild. Second, he has been lucky as hell. Any time someone wins 7 straight, they have been lucky. Derek & Ben have scored 150+ back to back weeks, so avoiding something like that is lucky, but also I am not sure if he hasn’t been injury lucky. Yes yes yes Austin Ekler blah blah blah… but when you’re rolling out Will Fuller as your second best player every week and he hasn’t gotten hurt in 7 weeks?! Count your blessings. Also Mostert is going to go on IR again this year and if we remember his career, Stefon Diggs usually misses a couple games (I know I had him) and George Kittle has usually broken a couple bones by week 7 (not that he misses games, but it slows him down a bit). All I am saying is, I could very easily see Max having a decimated squad come playoff time… that’s all I am saying.
- Mitchell. Mitchell has made 54 moves this season. For context the next closest is Mason at 40. For context the difference between the two (14) would rank 8th in the league, for moves made on the season, on its own. This team seems to be a revolving door of back end players which opens Mitchell up for some huge misses (see James Robinson, Will Fuller, and acquiring Micheal Thomas/LeVeon Bell). Basically this taxi squad is being ran by an emotional teenager who will trade any player after a single bad game, which means, he’s either not going to make the playoffs or get super lucky by buying/selling at just the right time, if you have any stock market experience, you know that’s damn near impossible to do consistently.
TO THE PICKS. 3 HOT TAKES THAT WILL GET PROGRESSIVELY HOTTER. (remember hot takes people, these aren’t layup opinions, this is me going for it, so don’t get your panties in a bunch)
Ben’s Kraken vs Derek’s BDE
It’s games like this that make me (someone fighting for a backend playoff spot) sick… because someone has gotta win and either of these teams winning is bad for me.
- Derek isn’t rebuilding. The team can make the playoffs this year.
- Justin Jefferson is the biggest miss of my season.
- This could be Ben’s last chance to win this season.
Now to explain my hottest take…. Scotty Miller, Boston Scott, TGIII all have expiration dates coming up soon and I don’t think DHop/Lockett will have enough juice in them to carry the team the rest of the way. Now, this isn’t really Ben’s “last win of the year”, he will win again, but it could certainly be the last week he is favored to win.
Give me Derek’s BDE to fill Ben’s Kraken.
Mason’s Mistress vs Jarro’s Landsharks
- This is the last week to be able to pull a fast one on Jarro
- Justin Herbert scores less than 18 points
- Mason’s team is getting worse with the trades
Look, Mason and I have had the conversation…. The “I think I was better before all the trades” conversation and I think we have arrived there with this team. Mason’s best player is… Tyreek Hill? (he said with a question mark). Granted the worst starter he will ever have in his lineup is someone like Chark, Waller, or Diontae Johnson, most of us would kill for that situation but I, for one, don’t love it. Now, in Mason’s defense, a ton of stuff beyond his control has happened but I am looking at a team in week 8 whose best RB is CEH, it’s fair to have some questions and most seasons by week 8 we don’t have any questions about Masons’ Mistress.
Even though Landshark hate week was last week, I am going Mistress over the Landsharks, but the Landsharks are a comin’…
Jake’s Jive Turkeys vs Uncle Sammy’s Elite
- Patrick Mahomes scores less than 25 this week
- Both teams go sub 120
- If Jake loses, he misses the playoffs
But but but it’s week 8, that’s way too early. Jake’s got Caleb, Papa Tim, Logan, Derek, Jarro and Max left. I think he Logan/Jarro/Max he is a heavy underdog in those, and Papa Tim & Derek aren’t easy W’s. We have one more useable week of Mike Davis & one or two weeks of Justin Jackson. Who do we replace those with?? Now, Jake’s gut has been very solid this year so it certainly isn’t out of the question to think he finds a couple gems but man oh man is that asking a lot in week 8. Most useable players have been grabbed. To say this is a “must win” for Jake is an understatement. I talked about Caleb in the front half of the picks, so I won’t go into crazy details, but he needs this one too…
Give me the JT’s in one that should be watched very closely by all of us.
Hanna’s Honeys vs Papa Tim
- Papa Tim. Is. BACK.
- Hanna needs to be worried a little
- Papa Tim makes the playoff chase real interesting
Speaking as someone fighting to make the playoffs, may I just say, I really liked it better when Papa Tim was just done, laying lifeless on the floor (metaphorically of course). Swift, DK Metcalf, Tee Higgins and maybe even Uncle Lenny (???) could pull this team into the playoffs and I wouldn’t be shocked. His season could rest on Melvin “I can still drive” Gordon and that, like Melvin Gordan driving in real life, is a risky proposition.
If Hanna does the right thing and benches Jerick McKinnon I give her a good chance to win. Give me Hanna’s sweet Honey… oh and she’s gonna win too.
Adam’s Island Survivors vs Logan’s Legion
- Chase Edmonds is a life saver for Adam
- Loser misses the playoffs
- Spoiler alert… Logan makes the playoffs
Hey, I’ve been saying this for a while but Logan’s team is pretty damn good and adding Mr. Rodgers and his beloved neighborhood is just the ticket Logan needed to make the playoffs. This team is very similar to Mason’s, in the fact, that it’s just solid top to bottom. If he stays healthy the whole starting lineup is in the top 50 flex wise and that should give him a really low floor moving forward.
Adam won’t go down easy and I do think Adam’s team isn’t a bottom 4 team but it’s put up or shut time and I don’t think Adam’s team can get out of the whole it will be in with a loss.
Give me the Legion in a game the whole league should follow
The Dahminators vs Mitchell’s Lobos
- Tua. Time. He goes for more than 20 points
- Claypool goes sub 10 points
- Le’Veon goes for more than 15
Yes, I understand I am a homer and I don’t care, I have the pen and you people have to read what I write. I spent a chunk of time writing about both teams in the top of the article so I won’t belabor the point.
Awhooooollllll
The MFL 