For the Talent Show at Spook Hill Elementary School in 2003 I was all lined up to sing a duet with a girl that I had a crush on name Vickie. It was a big time for me. Not only was I “liking girls” but I was also, for the first time ever, singing in public. We decided on singing a modern love song of our day, a song that was so good it was sweeping the nation. “When the sun goes down” by Kenny Chesney and of course, the ever talented “Uncle Kracker”. I was convinced that this performance was a linchpin in my path to becoming a star. But then, one day after school Vickie and I rehearsed and I came to the realization that I needed to break-off the duet with my then future wife.
You want to know why I decided to break the heart of a 9-year-old girl that I was desperately in love with? She wasn’t good enough.
I knew that I was destined for glory and I wasn’t going to let some girl who could barely say the line “This sweet concoction is smooth as molasses” let alone sing it, ruin it for me…. No, all I needed to do was get in front of the judges and sing a song I knew by heart… A song that held the keys to my future… A song that showcased all my talents… A song with a distinct melodious chorus but also rapped the verses.
“In The End” by Linkin Park
This might sound shocking to some of you, but when I ditched my duet partner to go solo, it didn’t lead to a singing career. It didn’t even lead to me making the talent show. It led to a group of girls that were singing “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child snickering at me as I walked off the try out stage. I didn’t even make the talent show.
Some of you this season didn’t make the talent show. Some of you are like 9-year-old Mitchell… walking off stage thinking “wow I killed that” but sadly you didn’t.
So I, like the BIASED AND POSSIBALLY SEXIST TEACHERS WHO DIDN’T PICK ME FOR THE TALENT SHOW, am going to judge you and probably sink your dreams.
ITS END OF SEASON POWER RANKINGS PEOPLE! (did I already do this? Idk… I am at work and I am bored) (also this is just reviewing last season, not power rankings moving forward or considering off season)
12. Hanna’s Honeys.
It was a rainy Sunday afternoon in the Appalachian forests of North Carolina. I was trying to build a fire outside of a turn of the century cabin, that was on top of a hill overlooking a foggy mountain. It was picturesque… so naturally I was watching NFL Redzone on my mobile phone (who the hell says mobile phone?! I am going to leave it tho). As I snapped twigs into smaller pieces to build a fire, Dak Prescott snaped his right ankle. Both the campfire and Hanna’s fantasy team never recovered.
11. Ben’s Kracken
There was a blissful point last year at this time when I was purchasing tickets to the NCAA Tournament that was taking place in March. I thought, wow there’s nothing that’s going to get in the way of my good time! There was a blissful point last year where Ben was able to point to the scoreboard anytime someone brought up fantasy and he too probably thought “Nothing is going to get in the way of my good time”… We now know how both of those ended.
10. Papa Tim
How does he make the playoffs but come in 10th?! BECAUSE I MAKE MY OWN RULES. The team had some BRUTAL stretches this year and was never really a team that you were “worried to play”. The team made some jumps with young guys (swift & higgins) but again, was never really a team that was destined for anything more than a first round exit.
9. Uncle Sammy’s Elite
No. You don’t have to play fantasy football like me to get a jump in the power rankings. I promise. I get that Caleb is a wait and see guy that doesn’t make trades. I get it. But at the same time, if you don’t sell high on guys that are out preforming their talent. If you don’t buy low on people to improve your roster. You end up getting stuck with guys like John Brown, Kenyan Drake, Devin Singletary & Latavious Muarry on your roster. All had value once. All no longer have value.
8. Adam’s Island Survivors
WAIT A SECOND?! How could Adam in a “year in review” power rankings be ranked over two teams that made the playoffs!? Well, if the super bowl was today, and I had to pick my opponent, Adam would come in about 8th. Team has issues. Team also has a bunch of solutions, including the best two rookie RBs from last year, George Kittle, Desean Watson, Mike Evans and OBJ. This team is going to be a problem next year (Adam kicks off a tier here that I am calling “gonna be a problem next year”).
7. Derek’s BDE
Derek… much like an ole 7.3 or a porn star 25 years into retirement, it takes a little while to get going, but when it gets there… watch out. The team is young, good and has depth that won’t rival Mason on the top end, but for a mid-tier team, he will be able to withstand a ton. I think Adam and Derek are interchangeable as far as this Power Ranking goes, I gave Derek the nod because I can’t say no to his cute face and the “Gonna be a problem next year” stamp of approval.
6. Jarro’s Landsharks
Look man, brutal year. The stars aren’t going to align every year. Miles Gakins and JK Dobins are huge additions that didn’t come at a huge price. I do wish you could have flipped someone with a more cloudy future (like Chris Carson) for a more solid piece for 2021 but with CMC’s window never fully closing, I do understand why it was tough to punt the season. Healthy CMC and this teams is going to be a real problem next year.
5. Logan’s Legion
*curtains open to a director holding tryouts for a Frankenstein play*
Director: “Ahh thank you guys for coming…. Ah you gigantor, you’re gonna play the monster”
Logan: “who me?”
Director: “yes you…… ahhh you two. *motions towards Mason and Mitchell* One of you is Victor and the other is egor, you decide”
That was my attempt to say, I am not sure if it was me or mason that created this monster but… you guessed it…. It’s going to be a problem next year. Derrick Henry. Saquan Barkley. Travis Kelsey. Aj Brown. Dionte Johnson (the dogecoin of fantasy). It’s not just a good lineup, it’s potentially best in the league.
4. Mitchell’s Lobos
Aaron Rodgers. QB2. Dalvin Cook. RB2. Davante Adams. WR1. Michael Thomas. Keenan Allen. Julio Jones. Marvin Jones Jr. GUYS I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT MORE I HAVE TO GET TO WIN THIS FUCKING JACKET. I will leave it at that.
ps, when you write and proof a cuss word it has some much more meaning… I want you to think about that and understand my emotions.
3. Mason’s Mistress
I feel dirty about this. I am not proud of my next sentence, but… I am a flawed man trying to be better each day…. Here it goes…. Nothing gives me more fantasy pleasure than seeing Mason set his teams up for deep playoff runs and losing in the first round. There. I said it. The teams great and will be way better after he sells David Montgomery to one of you chumps.
2. The Dahminators
Nothing in this world fills my heart with hate more than someone walking into our fantasy league and absolutely dominating it. I will never forgive you for that. The worst part is the team was hurt ALL YEAR. Somehow he not only got the top seed (which is always impressive) but he was also the highest scoring team in the league (which is the only true measuring stick of fantasy football and I don’t care what any of you CHILDREN say). Great season Max, you don’t deserve any of it and I hope you get a splinter today.
1. Jake’s Jive Turkeys
Guys, I don’t even know where to begin… I guess maybe I’ll start with where I was when I found out the news. I was in the back room with my SO, Mason, and when I saw Jake won, I broke down in tears. Tears of joy. For my friend and hands down the owner best team in the league this year… Jake Mattison. Although the news hit me like a tidal wave, I wasn’t surprised. How could I be? Have you seen his lineup?? Juju. Mike Davis. LOGAN THOMAS!! It wasn’t even fair from the start. We probably should just save time this year and each of us deliver Jake a crisp $100 bill (because electronic money is the devil) at the draft.
Seriously, I said it before, even though you won using methods I didn’t approve, you won… so what the hell do I know. I just have the password to the wordpress blog, you probably couldn’t guess it…
It’s Mitchell123!.
The MFL 