By Logan Devega
Welcome one, welcome all! To the wonderful show of how my brain works in mysterious ways. Now, this is usually where Mitchell goes into a long monologue about a childhood experience or about how Michigan has broken his heart once again. Well not today! I just dry-scooped two scoop fulls of pre workout and I’m ready to hit it hard and shake things up. So, this won’t be the usual of someone just shitting on your team and gloating about their own at the end. I’m going to comparing each team to a part of the human body. (Disclaimer!! This is only about your fantasy football team and team persona in the chat.) So anyone who doesn’t want to talk about Hannas feet can feel free to leave now. Oh and you will see pre-season power rankings brought to you by an anonymous consensus of our league committee (Mitchell, Jarro, DeRex) and myself, because I’m writing this of course. Going to do this is draft order just so you can see the differential between where you finish one year, to how a good offseason can vault you into the next year. You know, football stuff. Here we go.
Hannas Honeys. The Feet.
Starting off writing about Hannas Feet isn’t where I thought I’d be today but when thinking of this team and their manager it fits like a Cinderella slipper. She a runner she a track star but she does not run away when it gets hard. Hanna is a relentless manager and she showed that during the scavenger hunt when she kicked my ass to get Najee. She can literally run us into the ground in real life and in fantasy football. We all got lucky last year because Hanna was doing things like getting a Masters degree and making a foot ton of money but during the off-season her team got healthy. AB could realistically be the number 1 guy in Tampa and Golladay is good, just depends on the Giants. Strong RB core (Elliot, Jacobs, Sanders) and a top 5 QB. Now just get some nice running shoes, make some trades, hope those good guys become GREAT, and you’re crossing the finish line in 1st.
Consensus power ranked at 8th, 8th, 7th, with lots of room for upside. My final Power Ranking for The Honeys is 7th
Logan’s Legion. The FOOKIN HERCULEAN ARMS.
Alright alright, you know I can’t talk about myself first and I didn’t want to put myself last because then you wouldn’t read it. I’ve tried to build my team around strength, first thing you notice when you see The Legion are the big names. Big guys with big names with big volume. So accordingly, the Legion represent arms the size of the Rock in that one movie where he played a big guy who has massive arms and looks like a demigod. Oh that’s all of them. Love that guy. Now, we just wait and see if these arms are built on hours and hours in the gym or if A-Rod gave them some tips in the bathroom at the YMCA.
Consensus power ranked at 1st, 1st, and 3rd. All starting guys are inside the top 25-30. 2-3 guys inside the top 12. Special teams with MVP Rodgers, Wasgington D, KC kicker. The names are there. The numbers are there. I almost gave myself the heart though just so it could be prepared to be broken. Final Power Ranked at 1 because you gotta bet on yourself right?
Adam’s Island Survivors. America’s Ass.
Ass. Ass. Ass. You’re probably thinking I’m chanting that Adam’s team is ass but that’s not the case. The whole reason the Island Survivors got their name is because of that defining ass. You’ve got some juicy parts to the team for sure. Good/great starters and a deep bench. Getting DHop gave you a great starter and as long as JT isn’t getting sharked your survivors should keep on livin. Rams D, TB12, and Greg the Leg might just give you enough of an edge in the special teams dept. to coast into the playoffs. Right now, you’re projected 2nd highest week 1. Bulgarian split squats are a great exercise to really hit those glutes. So hit the gym and maybe keep two for oneing those bench players or adding one of those 3 first rounders you now have to grab some top 10 players. You gotta lot of ass to work with and people love a big ass so shake that thing.
Consensus ranking 5th, 8th, 9th. Little difference here from the committee, I like it. Shows how much room you have to grow. My final ranking would be 6. Just outside the top 5 but I see you beating most other teams especially on bye weeks and when injuries hit.
Ben’s Kracken. The Ankles.
Not what you thought right? Me either. Personally, I have had a bad relationship with my ankles. It’s like you forget they’re there one moment and then BAM you’ve rolled an ankle and you’re wondering why the world hates you. That’s how I felt last season when Ben dropped 180 on me in a game that I scored 155 points. The Kraken went on to lose out the season after that… Fun times. Anyways, nothing sexy about the ankles, that’s just the bottom line. The ankles are not something you think about when you go to the gym or even when you stretch usually. Kinda how Ben’s Kracken just disappears for months on end and then just shows up to pull you into the deep. Granted at the very end of the off season he started picking things up, maybe even won a trade against me. If he continues to do some band stretching and maybe take some physical therapy from Alicia, he might pull himself out of the bottom 4. Going to take some work, dedication, and moreover… just some time. Not a quick fix but you’ll probably beat me again this year anyways so if you don’t make your team better I won’t be too mad about it. Grab some ankle braces from Wally World and be that guy on the court.
Consensus rankings 11, 11, 11, 11. Not last so Jake is still wrong for saying that.
Masons Mistress. The Eyes.
Big body part here. Power ranking of sight is probably top 3 body part for me, and I have terrible vision. Put me in a wheelchair as long as I can see where I’m rollin. Now if we are talking the aesthetics of the Mistress eyes, they’re the perfect example of sex eyes. Instantly drawing you in and undressing you for a trade. The team is sexy, probably an emerald color. Studies say the first thing you notice on a person is the eyes. First thing I notice is that he’s got three players in the top 12 easily (Saquon, Daddy Diggs, and Hill). Then another three guys who all have top 12 potential. I face the Mistress week 3 and I’m not excited. He will hold out till MT comes back for the playoffs and barring injury be a juggernaut. Helen Keller would be proud. The Mistress has 2021 vision for the jacket.
Consensus ranking 4,4, 2. Power ranking 3. Playoff Power ranking 1.
Derek’s BDE. The Abs.
Well we are mid way through the rankings so sure enough we have Mid Table Derek. You know what else is a table, made of wood yet hard as a rock? Derek’s BDE abdominals. Strong young core all here. You have Henderson (starting RB) Deonte Johnson (ppr machine) and the heralded rookie Jamar chase ON THE BENCH. Granted idk who you would start them over because you now have Rb1son in full effect, Dallas WR1 in Lamb, record breaking Justin Jefferson, and Kupp with a better QB than he’s ever had. All we need now is a little more definition in the obliques. You’ve got great depth much like Adam but maybe instead of trading up for higher ranked players you ride it out to the playoffs and get wins when other people are on bye weeks. We can do a little experiment here and see who comes out on top. Everyone knows abs are made in the kitchen so stay there and keep eating them greens, Chef Derek will be cookin this year. Consensus ranking 5,7,5. Final Power ranking of 5th. Teams making the playoffs. Maybe won’t be so mid table for long.
Jarros Landsharks. The Legs.
This is what sets this whole thing into motion. The Landsharks are the embodiment of an NFL players legs. Team full of RBs who will just run you over. Led by the great CMC his team is easily squatting +600. Not to mention Jarrod himself has a dope ass full leg tattoo. Only issue is much like some of our favorite running backs he’s had some devastating leg injuries that have just been handicapping his season. Last year CMC and Chubb went down at one point and this year he’s already lost JK Dobbins not to mention drafting an already injured ETN (albeit at a good spot). Team should make the playoffs and contend for the ‘ship… maybe win some scoring titles… something. Just gotta stay healthy. A little weak at WR, it’s like having monstrous legs but slightly smaller calves. Luckily the WR position is deep and has a much higher boom rate. Three guys projected under 10 points in the lineup doesn’t look great but when CMC and Chubb combine for 80 it won’t matter. Add 40 from Joshy and the team looks like Saquad.
Consensus at 2,3,4. Healthy it’s top 2 but since we gotta wait and see if some guys will be good or not (Rhamondre) final Power Ranking is 4.
Father Tim’s Back?
Is Tim back? Is Tim the Back? Is his team name even Father Tim? Father Time? Man is surrounded in mystery much like my back pain. Loved hanging out with him at the draft though. He stuck to the roots and drafted a bunch of rookies. I really like Nico Collins, he fits the Legion requirements. Tim doesn’t trade and drafts a bunch of rookies every year, if he’s not good this year then he will be the next year, or the next… or the next? If I got beat by Swift, DK, Thielen and Lamar Jackson I wouldn’t be surprised. Add in a bunch of hot shot rookies and he’s gotta nice Lat spread. Back day is one of my fav days at the gym, but it’s so hard to see the progression right away. Just know he’s getting stronger.
Consensus ranking 10, 10, 9. After all that these number seem low. I think that’s more about how good and even our league is than Tim being bad. Final ranking is 10. Notice how I never said a bad back has to do with age, Father Tim.
MAXYS MARKSMEN. Award winning Smile.
Just saying the name Maxi makes me smile. Gray also made me smile in a weird way, so I’m glad Max has carried on the tradition. Does anyone not like Max? If you’re still reading now is the time to say something in the chat if you got a problem with him. He will still just sweet talk you and you’ll end up best friends. For me, a nice smile can make or break a first impression. People can have bad smiles and be great people, but, vice versa, people can have nice smiles and be bad people. The Marksmen’s smile has been all over the place this off-season. Finished second overall and led in points for a while last year. Somehow he got seduced by some mysterious mistre-…nevermind. Well that smile has dulled a little bit, maybe it was all that bean juice from the coffee shop. Still though you’ve got some good potential. Cam getting cut made that Damien Harris trade look waaaaay better. Fuller will come back week 2. You know I like Jakobi and Hock, 25% target share guys. And these guys arn’t even your starters. Wouldn’t be surprised if you made another run at it this year especially since you’re decently deep. Throw some crest white strips on there and maybe lay off Mitchell’s sweet tea and you’re back shining at the top.
Consensus ranking 5, 6, 10. Look one of these guys hates you. You give me Jakobi and I’ll tell you who. Final Power ranking of 8
Jakes Jive Turkeys. The GUT.
I mean this one wrote itself right? The GUT is very different than the abs/core that Dereks BDE is. The GUT is it’s own thing and it’s not something that everyone has. You know who does have a gut, Jakes Jive Turkeys. We know this because he’s our 2020 league champion. The GUT came in clutch, sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good and in the finals he was both. New year, mostly same team, so we will see if it was all the GUT or not. Jake faces off against me in week 1 and I have to watch what I say so I don’t have to eat my words. Still got Patty and Kamara, still got Aiyuk and starting RB Mike Davis. Claypool could score 4Tds, Waller could have 2 TDs for 200 yards, it’s all happened before.
Consensus ranking 6,7,7. My final power ranking…. 9. They like you, I don’t, see you week one when I punch you in THE GUT.
Mitchell’s Lobos. The Voice.
Is The Voice still on TV? Anybody watch that anymore? Or is it the same shtick over and over again? Sound familiar, good because that’s one of the reasons why I am even here. So we don’t have to listen to Mitchell shit on Jake the whole time, I’ll just do it myself. Actually speaking though (get it) Mitchell’s team is really good per usual. His honey coated words have set him up in trades and deals long before this season and will continue to long after. Three players in the top 12, lucked out on that first round pick in the draft with Gus Bus, got ol man Julio holding down the fort. 3rd projected highest points week one. ESPN has your final season standing projection at 2nd. It all sounds nice, just like your voice. Sometimes I just call you to hear you whisper trash trades in my ear.
Consensus ranking 3,2,1. Idk who put you above me but I hate them. Actually I do know, you can also slide me a player to find out who loves you. Final ranking Numero Dos
Uncle Sammys Elite. The Liver
Last in our draft, last in our rankings, but first in our consumption of alcohol. This one was a cop out for me I know. Big dawg gotta make some moves, some healthy choices. Nothing against the Elite or Caleb. I probably see him the most out of everyone and it’s a good time. He just hasn’t been very active in fantasy football, doesn’t trade, didn’t draft, might be too busy to hunt the wire. Drake no longer being a starting RB and Cam Akers going down are two big blows to his team compared to last year. Ridley, Robinson, and Sutton are good WRs though. Each could be in better offensive situations but also each has proved they don’t need to be to be good. Mark Andrews is a 10 point starter and you have the Bills RB room locked down. One or two moves away from being thrown into a back door playoff spot. Once you get there anything can happen.
Consensus 12- power ranking 12
Final Power Ranking
- Logan’s Legion
- Mason Mistress
- Mitchell’s Lobos
- Jarro’s Landsharks
- Derek’s BDE
- Adam’s Island Survivors
- Hanna’s Honeys
- Maxy’s Marksmen
- Jake’s Jives Turkeys
- Father Time
- Ben’s Kraken
- Uncle Sammy’s Elite
Final thought, before anyone gets hurt feelings about a ranking written by a guy who hasn’t made the playoffs in three years. After reading through all this again I really like teams 5-9. Any one of those teams could be placed over the other and since most of you have such roster flexibility, you’re just waiting for guys to pop off on your bench or for another team to get injured. My prediction is that a true mid table team wins it all. I can’t wait for week 1, Football is back baby! Everyone go hit the gym this week so at least when your heart gets broken due to FF, your body will be strong!
The MFL 