SCENE: THE CONTROL ROOM OF MITCHELL’S MIND
Lights flicker on inside a chamber shaped like the inside of a thought bubble. Floating screens drift overhead, displaying memories, worries, hopes, and highlight reels of all the times Mitchell tried to fix something after watching only three YouTube videos.
A glowing Control Console sits in the center.
Buttons, levers, sliders, and knobs are labeled: “Impulsive Idea,” “Deep Reflection,” “Humor,” “Dusty May Comment,” and “Ryan Day Comment.”
Suddenly, a cryogenic chamber hisses. A frosted glass panel slides open
MITCHELL’S FREE TIME emerges, stretching like someone who hasn’t been conscious since 2022.
FREE TIME: “Wow. Three years really go fast. I had to freeze myself during grad school, so Mitchell didn’t toss a toaster in the bathtub with himself.”
Free Time approaches the console, wiping frost off a monitor.
FREE TIME: “All right, let’s see what the big dawg has been up to…”
He scrolls through floating memory orbs.
FREE TIME: “Wife… smoking hot. Check.
Son… alive. Check.
Mitchell seems to be in good health. Check.
Driving a sweet F-150, living in the same house… okay, things can’t be that bad.”
He swipes to a cluster of glowing memory reels.
FREE TIME: “Oh wow, Mitchell plays football now. That’s sick.”
A grin spreads across his face—until he notices another blinking panel.
FREE TIME: “Speaking of football… how’s the ole MFL doing?”
The screens ripple. The images shift. Free Time leans in… and immediately recoils.
Mitchell’s Free Time gazes upon the state of the league, HORRIFIED.
FREE TIME: “…Oh no. Oh no no no. What happened while I was frozen? Did the league collapse? Did owners stop participating? Were lineups submitted with players who are clearly designated as OUT? Did Logan and Mason swap rosters a dozen times?!
Alarms begin flashing. Memory orbs rattle on their shelves
FEAR: (bursting in) We’ve detected dangerously low league morale!
ANGER: The standings are a DISASTER! Somebody let Mitchell change his brand!
JOY: Guys… guys… let’s not panic. We just need to evaluate the current situation.
A giant screen lowers from the ceiling with a dramatic hum.
COMPUTER VOICE“Weekly Picks Protocol Activated”
FREE TIME: “There’s one way to save this league, and it’s through my picks…
Armadillos vs Survivors
To tell the story of Adam’s 2025, we really need to start on December 2nd, 2024… that’s when Adam traded Jahmyr Gibbs, Zay Flowers, Bucky Irving, and Jayden Reed for Saquon Barkley, Terry McLaurin, and Max’s 2025 first-round pick. At the time, I viewed the trade as an all-in move aimed at winning the 2024 Super Bowl. However, Adam ends up losing in the first round of the playoffs. In 2025, Saquon is around RB20, while Jahmyr is RB3. Adam and his team of Island Survivors finish 11-17 and sneak into a playoff spot. Trading Jahmyr Gibbs in 2024 is like selling Bitcoin in 2018. At the time, it felt fine. Now it keeps you awake at night.
So, what’s the moral of the story, friends? Is it to stop trading? I don’t think so. Is it to stop trading with Mason? Probably. But more importantly, I believe it’s about either positioning yourself with young guys you’re holding onto and playing the long game, or constantly looking to buy low and sell high. Once you enter the realm of buy-low/sell-high, you have to keep going. If you stop playing, you seal your fate with guys who are constantly losing value in everyone else’s eyes, but holding value in your own (see Kittle, George for an example).
But enough of that, let’s pick the game… The Armadillos went “all in” on October 15th, acquiring CeeDee Lamb and Justin Jefferson. That sealed their fate to lose the overall points championship and get upset in the first round.
After all that, enjoy beating me in the first round Adam.
(It’s called a hedge, I am playing both sides, so I always come out on top)
Landsharks vs Legion
Couple L’s cutting it up.
I can’t stand Jarro. Never have, never will. He’s the worst. You know who else I don’t like? Josh Allen and his dumb face. He’s got a dumb face, we all know it, and I don’t even care that he married Jerry Seinfeld’s daughter. Hey Josh, win a game in January, how bout that? Kyren Williams… bum. Certified, USDA-approved bum. CMC, injured bum. Not USDA-approved. I like Ladd McConkey, though. He looks like me, therefore I have hope.
Logan! If you start Phillip Rivers (which you won’t) and beat Jarro (which you won’t) I think you get the BMF belt. The belt that was once given to Nate Diaz for beating up Jorge Masvidal. I will find whatever pawn shop Nate Diaz sold it to and buy it for you. My promise. I’d never lie in print. As for the matchup, Logan’s team is solid. I would never have called him out in the first round. There are many ways Logan could beat Jarro; they all involve Josh Allen scoring fewer than 30 points.
Give me the Legion in my STONE-COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK OF THE CENTURY, of the week.
Kraken vs Mistress
Is Ben the MFL success story? A every man who plays his cards right. Keeps his head down. Just keeps stacking good decisions on top of good decisions until you look up and have built yourself a wagon.
If Ben is the everyman of the MFL, Mason is the Wolf of Wall Street. Mason has made 18 trades this season. The Mistress has been bouncing back and forth between tanking and not tanking. Now he’s full speed ahead toward a championship.
I have myself and Jarro losing in the first round, I have Mason winning it all. Mistress win.
Smash Bros vs Father Tim26
Hey, whatever happened to Jake? A couple of questions, Caleb… Did he ever have the password to your sleeper account? Did you change the password yet? Just wondering… Logan is really close. Real. Close. Congrats on winning a championship last year. I truly think you’re in the rarefied air of the best fantasy owners in the league… which is insane considering the condition you draft in. Next draft, who wants to get really drunk and let it fly???
Father Tim is the antithesis of Mason; he’s the cuddly house cat of a suburban white girl. Just collecting the catnip and locking in. To his credit, the consistency with which he gets his name tossed into the lottery that is the fantasy football playoffs: one of these days, the numbers are gonna come up, Timbo. This could be the year. I am going to take Caleb, but that’s mainly because the easy-to-read sleeper statistics tell me Caleb’s start & sit accuracy is 92.4%(?!), best in the league. Caleb is basically the Rain Man of fantasy football. But with a more damaged liver.
Free Time wipes his forehead. Screens are still flashing. Memory orbs are buzzing around like confused bees.
FREE TIME: “Okay… okay… that’s enough. I’ve written like 2,000 words, insulted two-thirds of the league and completely ignored the others (Want to in the post, make the playoffs, how bout that), and for what? Five people to actually read it.
He drags a folding chair across the HQ floor and sits down backward like a substitute teacher who’s trying too hard.
FREE TIME: “Look. Mitchell froze me for three years to survive grad school.I’m not wasting my resurrection writing fantasy picks.I’m going to do what Mitchell would want…”
He pulls a lever labeled:
“DELEGATE TO CHAT GPT”
FREE TIME: “And just like Mitchell would want…I’m gonna go smoke weed in the shed.”
He walks off screen. The lights dim.A huge screen powers up with a loud, overly dramatic sci-fi hum.
COMPUTER VOICE: “ENGAGING MFL G.P.T.”
A glitchy, low-budget AI face appears on the console. It looks like a 2005 Dell laptop
AI MODEL (G.P.T.)“HELLO HUMAN SPORTS ENJOYERS.I AM HERE TO DELIVER PERFECT PICKS WITH ZERO EMOTION AND 113% ACCURACY.YOU MAY CALL ME… MFL GPT.”
MFL GPT’S POWERFULLY INCORRECT PICKSMATCHUP 1: ARMADILLO VS SURVIVOR“ARMADILLOS WIN 77–12.REASON: ARMADILLO IS NATURAL ENEMY OF SURVIVAL. GOOGLE IT. ACTUALLY CHAT GPT IT!”
MATCHUP 2: LAND FISH VS LEGEND“I PREDICT TIE.BOTH TEAMS FORGET TO SET LINEUP AFTER BECOMING DISTRACTED BY NEW TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM.”
MATCHUP 3: KRAKON VS MISTRESS“I SIMULATED THIS GAME 10,000 TIMES.KRAKON WON 4 TIMES.MISTRESS WON 3 TIMES.THE OTHER 9,993 SIMULATIONS WERE INTERRUPTED WHEN MY INTERNAL WIFI CONNECTED TO A NEIGHBOR’S PRINTER.FINAL PICK: PRINTER.”
MATCHUP 4: SMASH BROTHERS VS FATHER TIM“FATHER TIM WINS BECAUSE HE HAS THE HOLY BUFF.ALSO BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF HIM.FINAL PICK: CHURCH.”
AI MODEL: “THANK YOU FOR USING MFL GPT.”
The model freezes.Sparks fly.A tiny plume of smoke rises.
AI MODEL: “…bzzrrt… ARMADILLOS TO THE SUPER BOWL… bzzrrt… TRADE ME MY SON, LADD MCCONKEY… bzzzz… ERROR: TOO MUCH TRADING BY MASON…”Screen goes black.
The MFL 