Yes. Back-to-back weeks. We are officially back now.
Speaking of being officially back, I was gone so long that I don’t have to be creative; I can just play the hits! There’s a time-honored tradition in this blog to take a moment and celebrate where Mitchell was (repeat after me): right (you didn’t say it out loud. Do you understand what repeat after me means?), Where Mitchell was (your turn, and know… I am watching) right, and where Mitchell was wrong (great job, but that’s strike one. Three strikes and I don’t write for another two years. Think about that when you decide if your laughs should be audible… they should be. I am watching). We do this after week 1 because, if you’re like me, you watched more football in week 1 than you will watch the rest of the season; thus, you can basically set and forget your football takes, cause… you have seen enough.
Mitchell was RIGGHHHTTTT
5/6 for picks in a week! How bout that!
My stone-cold lead pipe lock of the century, of the week, hit as well. That’s what I am talkin bout.
I told y’all Father Tim’s team might be able to win it all, 152 points later.
Couple things right in the game down-unda.
Did I mention 5/6 on the week??
Mitchell was WRRRONNNGGGG
Couple bad ones here…
Monty. I said he was dead. Lost to time. Gone forever. Sorry, shouldn’t have doubted Monty, but in my defense, I’ve been doing it since 2017. Time-honored tradition.
I made fun of Derek (who lost, in his face) for rolling out the same lineup, but I was really just talking about Derrick Henry. And that might be the only good part of his team.
We will speed up the tempo here…
Said Taylor and Barkley were taking a step back; Jonathan Taylor is, in fact, not taking a step back.
Said Omarion Hampton was going to be good
Started K1 (who probably should have played baseball)
And I owe Jake one US corndog.
TO THE PICKS!!
Jake’s Jive Turkey vs Logan’s Legion
If the MFL was a country… and I was the president. Would Jake be the model citizen I point to in my fair land? He posts in the group chat. Active if you send him a trade. Hosts the draft. Look at his team! They suck. But do you hear Jake asking for a magical reset to undo years of poor management? Nope. The opposite. He starts Dallas Goedert. The most, I am here to win, but I am not an actual threat player in the MFL. That’s why, in this MFL land, he is my model citizen. He’s stuck in the lower middle class and not a threat to elites like me. But most importantly, he’s quiet about it.
You people need to be more like Jake.
Last week for Logan is exactly why we put in a league minimum. Man had the third-highest point total of the week but just ran into a buzzsaw. Not his fault. Call back to segment 1, the only B2B winner in MFL history still has the juice.
Jake, model citizen. Logan, threatening the elite. For that, GIVE ME THE JTs!!
They deserve it more.
Ben’s Kraken vs Derek’s BDE
Ahhh, a matchup where both teams refer to the owner’s body parts. I strictly read Ben’s team name as “Ben’s Kraken” and then imagine his ass eating his opponent. I try not to imagine Derek’s BDE……………… *whispers* but I do
A couple of 0-2 teams looking to rebound here. Although they’re holding hands right now, these two teams are on completely different paths. I warned last week of Derek’s impending doom and was kinda spurred by Derrick Henry, but the preachers are still ringing the bells on the corner. The end is near.
Ben, on the other hand, might have one of the league’s deeper teams. He, like Jake, has been a model MFL citizen over the past couple of years (not as much in the group chat, but we can forgive that; we have lives). Ben’s making trades, drafting well, but unlike Jake, Ben is a threat to the elites and must be cast down!
Give me Derek and his BDE to do the casting down Ben’s Kraken.
Jarro’s Landsharks vs Father Tim and dem bois
If I were to create a panic meter and run Jarro’s team through it, I think it’d be at like a 7/8. You can’t score 70 points (40 coming from your QB) and not have some panic.
I think the reality is like BlackBerry holding the bag in 2008 when the iPhone came out (I am not fact-checking when the iPhone came out; that’s not what this blog is about); the market has shifted, and you have not, my friend. You’re sitting there with all these buttons (RBs), and nobody uses the buttons like they used to. We are on the flat screen (WRs). So, you say, I’ll do flat screens (acquire Pickins, start Addison, start Johnston), but now you’re playing catch-up. I say you double down on buttons (old RBs), reacquire Rhamandre Stevenson, Kareem Hunt, and start Alvin Kamara. You’re gonna lose either way; go out being yourself.
Father Tim good. Win lots games.
BUT NOT SO FAST MY FRIENDS, in Mitchell’s Stone Cold Led Pipe Lock of the Century, of the week, give me the Landsharks!
Idk, I talked bad about Jarro, talked about how smart I was for picking Tim last week; makes sense.
Man Who Cried Wolf vs Smash Bros
See… when I bitch about your name, you’re supposed to change it. Everyone with me, all at once (remember I am watching) THANK YOU MASON. Everyone loves a little call-and-response; you gotta sprinkle it in halfway through, so you know they’re still with you.
This is a prime-time MFL matchup, probably our best of the week. Mason texted me at one point Sunday, “Could you imagine how happy Ezra (my nephew who was going to fill in for a year) would have been with this team. “ That sent me down a dark path, imagining the young man becoming an egomaniac because he thinks that at 12 years old he is miles ahead of adults intellectually. Since we are talking Mason, everyone knows: very good team, etc. I’d like it to be known now, David Montgomery is old, washed, and going to finish outside of the top 15 RBs. AND YA KNOW IT!
The Smash Bros (waiting on the name change of the announcement of a second owner) are a well-balanced team of RBs and WRs with a good fantasy QB (I am done with Jared Goff IRL), another model MFL franchise that has been playing the game, and getting out ahead. I will say, not as deep as some of the other teams (related, not related: we can probably drop Keon Coleman from the roster, it’s just not gonna happen).
GIVE ME THE BROS!!
Adam’s Island Survivors vs Hanna’s Honeys
After winning his first Super Bowl, almost receiving his first trophy and jacket, Adam has started 0-2. L
Good news for Adam: he was basically hot garbage most of the year before beating me in the playoffs… so we are on track B2B. The worst part is I think you missed the Isaiah likely game; you only get a couple of those a year. Also, Jackson Dart plays less than half the season. There’s just no way he can play like that and not get his brain scrambled like K1 did last Sunday or Tua did for many many years.
Hanna and her beloved Honey’s just missed a 1-1 start, and there are a couple of people to blame. Coleston Loveland did catch a single pass on Sunday and dropped a touchdown. Jameson Williams has frying pans for hands. I am not joking; look it up. Two flat irons, right where his hands should be. Amazing he is an NFL wide receiver (not really tho, he looks like a gazelle on the field. Catches like a gazelle with frying pans attached to his hands), and the final person to blame is Gus Johnson for making us think Maserati Marv was anywhere near fast enough to be an NFL wide receiver.
Give me the Island Survivors!!
Asa’s Armadillos vs (Unnamed team)
Every (wo)man is (her) his own (wo)man. Defined by the life (she) he lives. How one pulls (herself) himself up by (her)his own bootstraps.
Do we have the same starting point? No. But if we are defined by our motion forward, isn’t the starting point irrelevant? The motion forward is what will ultimately carry us to our destination.
What if the motion stops? What if the motion is too slow? Who fixes that? Who makes the metaphorical engine hotter so we can move faster on our train toward success? The conductor. Who is every (wo)man’s conductor? (Herself)Himself.
So, whom should we blame for our failures? The settings with which we interact with our world? The president? Congress? The framers? MEN?!
No. We blame ourselves. We don’t cry and ask for a full league reset. WE LIKE THE (WO)MEN WE ARE ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF RUNNING A FANTASY TEAM AND GO PICK UP DALLAS MOTHER FUCKING GODERT CAUSE HE’S ALWAYS GOOD FOR 8 POINTS, AND WE WIN SOME GAMES.
Speaking of winning some games, Max’s team is clearly going to beat mine after that.
