Ahhhh hellllooo friends.
It’s that beautiful time of year again. Football is back, Jack. Speaking of being back, the MFL weekly picks are BACK, Jack. Yes and as we set sail on the new season I have some promises for you…
- I’ll do more weeks this year than I miss! Probably, idk, life’s crazy sometimes. But also, I paid (it was auto-renewed) for the website domain for another year sooo, looks like we’re doing this, bby!!
- 100% Mitchell. No ai. Now I am done with graduate school (passed my board test first time; suck on that, UCF) I am probably more out on ai than I am in. *whispers* I fear it could reshape the workforce in some ways… maybe. Idk. Good news, there’s always money in the banana stand (pulling weeds at camp. Derek, you still got my social on file?).
- I am going to tell jokes, mainly about your fantasy team. I love you all; you know this. Please don’t take it personally. If I ever step over the line, just send your thoughts to my personal email: Iamalittlebitch@Icanttakeajokeaboutfootball.org (we are a non-profit).
To the matchups!!
Ben’s Kraken vs Jive Turkey
So, is the whole team a jive turkey (a singular turkey), or are they all individual jive turkeys? I love the scene in Semi-Pro so much that I almost root for Jake, except, of course, when I have his first-round pick *winks at Jeremiah Love*. Semi-Pro is where mine and Jake Vinn-Diagram overlap.
Guys, if this blog were a person that was coming back to life, it would be absolutely shocked at how good Ben is at fantasy football now. Or whoever is running Ben’s team. Ben reminded me at the draft about the season his fake father was in the league; I forget he’s a cheeky little sucker.
Jake, the opposite. The blog came back to life and thought, “Yep, that’s about what I expected.”
Ben’s Kraken claims its first victim.
Logan’s Legion vs Father Tim
This might be the year that the long game that ole Timbo has been playing finally plays out. But it really all depends on Lamar Jackson. If he’s typical Lamar Jackson and can stay healthy (lol), this team has plenty of juice to win a jacket.
Logan’s Legion is at its all-time stealthiest but still has a ton of juice. Devonte Smith is Mathew Berry’s ride or die, JSN, Nico, the starting RB for Ben Johnson. But that bench, it’s all the names I’ve heard on podcasts that I listen to at 2x speed.
Give me Father Tims! We are gonna need something to help us pull our heads from the water after Michigan.
Derek’s BDE vs Smash Bros
Who’s the other bro? Ya know?
James Cook was the leading rusher in the NFL last season?? That’s crazy. Shows you where I am at. When I heard that, it not only surprised me, but it also stuck with me to the point that I felt the need to type it out during this review. All Mitchell. No ai. Welcome.
Being on Derek’s team would be like working for MySpace or Kodak cameras. You just look at the other couple of people and say, “Oh, we are still doing this.” I am convinced Derek found a way to use his fantasy losses as a tax write-off or something. He’s been rolling out this same rickety roster since, like, 2021.
Oh, I got it: Derek stays in the league because he embezzles money and uses it for personal expenses. Unrelated subject: have y’all seen Derek’s new car?
GIVE ME THE SMASH BROS!!!
Jarro’s Landsharks vs Max’s Full Le…
I am not typing all that shit out. I am going to start giving you better names. We will start with Max’s Spiders. And it’s Max’s Spiders as a way to make fun of the Cleveland Guardians who not only have a dumb name, but they suck and can’t make the playoffs in the worst division in baseball (I think, I am not looking that shit up) (go Rays).
Jarro is starting 3 WRs?? That shits crazy. He did BML (BML=Offered me a trade) for one of my many young RBs. In typical MFL fashion, I did not respond.
Max’s team isn’t that bad and my gut says the game in AUSTRALIA (game on Wednesday night, game in Australia, hell we doing) is going to be low scoring, and I have Max’s first round pick…
So my STONE COLD LED PIPE LOCK OF THE YEAR, OF THE WEEK, Max’s Spiders over Jarro’s Landsharks.
Team 12 vs Hanna’s Honeys
In a battle for my heart, let’s see who comes out on top. I WILL RESPECT THE RESULTS OF THE DUAL!
Hanna’s team is like a kid who goes to college, gets a generic degree, a nice respectable salary, a Kia, and does everything else they told us to do in school. She’s had down years, kept her draft capital, and drafted players. The tide should eventually start to lift the Honey out of the bottom 4 and back to Super Bowl aspirations. *whispers* please please let the tide rise.
Speaking of back Jack, Mason is back Jack! The best part of my draft night, and outside of skinny-dipping Lake Aurora at 1 am, my only memory was Mason coming back to us. To criticize a bit (like the other cute girl at the party) Monty is done, Blake Corum is getting into K. Williams job like he does as ear of corn, and the Barkley/Taylor combo will be know because they both take a step back in 2026. Honestly, this team isn’t top 4. HOW BOUT THAT.
Team 12 rolls. (sorry babe) (Also, sorry for saying babe. We don’t use babe.) (Sorry, Han.) (
*lights go down*
THE MOMENT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FORRRRRR
Asa’s Armadillos vs Adam’s Island Survivors!!!
If we were in the NFL we’d be playing on Wednesday night.
I love Malik Neighbors. There, I said it. Idk why Mason would do that trade.
I love Omarion Hampton. There, I said it. Idk why Mason would do that trade.
Yes, that was a copy-paste. You think ai could come up with a joke that genius. (Yes, it autocorrected ” genius ” for me. But, as I argued with Dr. C “spell check isn’t ai”)
The rest of Adam’s squad is okay. It’s a top 5(ish) team, easy. Jackson Dart will be fun while it lasts. Jameis Winston can get Malik the ball. Jeanty is okay, bad team.
The Dills are elite. We know this. The thought process going into the summer was, I am not gonna lose because I am inflexible on the bench. Bad matchup; I got options. Injury, I got options.
I am going for it, boys. For me, there’s little better than laying my pretty little head on the pillow, staying warm in my championship jacking, and knowing I am smarter than everyone else.
Football is BACK! Crack a cold one tonight (or your equivalent) and celebrate.
