Welp, we are at the point in the season where it’s no longer fun to talk about the performance of the field *quickly shuffles power rankings out of sight*.
We all love college football, right?
*crowd cheers*
We all love it when I mildly poke fun at your team/personality as an owner
*crowd boos*
We all love it when I mildly poke fun at some elses team/personality as an owner
*crowd cheers*
Boy howdy, do I have something for you.
Today, I am going to compare each team to a current college football coach!
*crowd is somewhat entertained*
(Order is based on current standings, not how much I love you)
Caleb: Kirby Smart
There are several reasons for the comp, but I’ll admit, it’s a bit complimentary.
Both have recently won a championship. Both have talented “homegrown” teams. Caleb trades some. Kirby will go to the portal. Both are good ol’ boys. Both like whiskey (assumed). Similar music tastes (assumed). Similar political views (no assumptions made). If these two met in a bar you might have a Step Brothers (the movie) situation. “Did we just become best friends? Yep!”
Mason: Lane Kiffen
Did I do the whole post to compare Mason to Lane Kiffen… maybe.
Both love keeping the roster fluid. Both are very successful. Lots of winning, lots of points. (Of course, Mason wins championships; no comparison is perfect). Mason, probably the league villain? And I mean on nothing more than the number of trades he does. A by-product of that is an obscene number of offensive trade offers he sends out. Making him a villain. Also, kinda talks trash in a bad-boy, slick kinda way. Dresses cool. Mason and Lane would probably be friends? At least they would exchange pleasantries at hot yoga.
Timbo: Dabo Swinney
Is there an easier comparison? The post writes itself.
These two love developing talent as much as they love the Lord. Amen. They don’t need the portal (trades). Timmy is locked out of his GroupMe account, or he’d be reading the posts. Trust me, we’d eventually get our Tyler from Spartanburg moment. “Listen here, Jake from Lake Wales… etc.” Both are running good programs, legends in their own right.
Mitchell: Kalen DeBore
Yes, Jarro, I am still upset that he stayed at Alabama and didn’t come to Michigan. Michigan has the 131?! Ranked offense at the time of writing. Shits wild.
Like Kalen DeBore, I carry the weight of the world on every result. When I lose, the opponents storm the field; it’s a career-defining moment for them. Also, Max’s aunt-in-law hates my guts and wants me fired and replaced with Mason.
Hanna: Kirk Ferentz
… yes, Iowa beat Michigan this year, i am hilarious…
You know who probably would draft a defense real early in a fantasy draft… Kirk Ferentz. You know who would probably draft a kicker real early? Kirk Ferentz. We have a solid portal-to-trades comparison. Hanna loves kids, looks good in black, beats me every time we play chess… the comparisons between the two go on and on.
Logan: Kurt Cignette
This sounds nice at first, but it gets progressively meaner because Michigan just held Indiana to 6 points and lost, but I decided Logan was Kurt Cignette in the rough draft last week.
Both have undeniable recent success, turning their programs around. Both have a tough exterior but a lovable, fun personality. I bet Logan would cut a great State Farm commercial. But despite the recent success, both might look a little shaky right now? Kurt loves the portal. Logan loves a trade. Does all that roster flipping catch up to you eventually?? You have to prove it over the long haul.
Derek: Dan Lanning
If you squint, they almost look a little like each other? Like if Derek had short hair? Not really?
I’m a big analytics guy. I love a good Box +/-. And, you know what, I put Dan’s rings in a box, and Derek’s rings in a box, and you know what I got? Zero. Just a couple of dudes with a bunch of talent who never amounted to anything worth remembering. Strong brands tho.
Ben: Mike Elko
Two dudes with more money than me (assumption)
Does anyone have any more “How’d they end up 8-3” than Mike Elko? It’s like taking a train home. Did you get there fast? No. But did you get there? Probably. Also, trains do wreck sometimes (Texas A&M currently 4-4). Ben has been good over the past couple of seasons, but there’s a long history of going off the rails. With both sports having a playoff, though, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if either won a championship soon.
Jake: Eli Drinkwitz
Jake you’d look great in a visor,
I wasn’t convinced Jake was Eli Drinkwitz until Jake pulled out the ole receipts in the groupme to justify his trade with Caleb (but in reverse, heady play). If you don’t know, Drink is also the receipt-keeping type. Both are currently at similar levels of mid (I will note, Jake is a recent champion; no comparison is perfect). Again, I hate to keep coming back to it, but in this playoff era, I wouldn’t be shocked to see Drink get one the way Jake did. I’ll tell you this: I don’t want to have Jake’s first-round pick, and that’s a big compliment for Eli Drinkwitz.
Jarro: James Franklin
Okay, this is the meanest and the funniest
All James Franklin jokes aside, it was just a year ago we would have been shocked to think James Franklin would lose his job. And now, here today, I see Jarro outside the playoffs?? It’s shocking. There was a time, early Penn State end of Vandy, where it seemed like James Franklin was going to win a national championship someday. It’s genuinely shocking to me that Jarro hasn’t won a championship yet, and it doesn’t seem like things are going in the right direction. It took everything in me not to compare Jarro to PJ Fleck, but that’s too easy and would be even more insulting! The issue with James Franklin is the expectation to win a championship; we don’t expect PJ Fleck to win a natty. We expect Jarro to win a jacket… but right now, we seem far away.
Max: Matt Rhule
Ohio, Nebraska, basically the same place.
I’d say our friend Max shows a lot of promise as a fantasy owner… wouldn’t you? Watches football. Obvious ball knower. Matt Rhule shows a lot of promise as a coach, right? Good at Baylor, made it to the NFL, came back to CFB to a big-time HC job with a huge contract… but somehow both are always a couple years away. Max Rhule is the king of 2 years away. Looking at Max’s roster and not having his first round pick, he’s at least 2 years away. Also, Max would have a killer podcast. Did you know Matt Rhule has a podcast? (Everyone has a podcast; if you don’t, you’re a giant loser.) Would you like to guess the podcast’s name? *pause for effect* “House Rules”. *loser game show sound* Yes, someone allowed him to name his podcast something that cheesy. *nudges phone with max’s team name on it toward reader* ….. Not so different, huh?
Adam:
Adam scored *checks notes* 18 points last week… for me to find a comparison that bad, I’d need to think of the worst coach in college football…
Adam: Ryan Day
Yes, I said it! Ryan Day is the worst coach in college football. And he has nipple rings; how gross is that? Here’s why Ryan Day is the worst: he inherited a program from Urban Meyer, and now he just shells in old gross OCs and DCs. The ghosts of football past (Chip Kelly, Jim Knowles, Matt Patrica, Author Smith). (Not Bryan Hartline tho, he’s cool). Ryan Day does expected things and gets basic-to-less-than-great outcomes. Like Adam, with all this tanking, just trade the players away. Basic things, less-than-great results. I’m also sure Adam has a terrible record against his rivals. Does Adam shell up in close game scenarios? Not really a fantasy thing, but if he is like Ryan Day, he probably would! Okay, admittedly, this was a lazy effort to get the result I wanted, namely to say Ryan Day is the worst coach ever and that he will probably lose to Michigan in November because that’s what he does.
