Finally, after being herded around like cattle for an hour (which was funny, Go Bulls!), my classmates and I made it to our section inside the Yuengling Center, ready to receive a firm handshake (we didn’t get our diplomas) and to hear our names called out before God and our families.
“Master in Applied Behavioral Analysis, Mitchell Dohm”
I had said it to myself several times during a self-motivational pep talk to start a given school week.
Certainly, I am self-aware enough to know that a master’s degree from a directional school isn’t exactly climbing Everest or running a hundred miles. Still, if you knew where I was coming from educationally, you’d give me a tip of the cap. As fun as it would be to opine on how dumb I was growing up, I won’t do that. Just ask Derek how many classes we took together in high school.
Finally being seated and looking around the arena at all the graduates did two things. First, it made me feel like this wasn’t really “that big” of an accomplishment. Second, it made me realize this graduation was going to take way longer than I thought.
Immediately, my brain shifted from enjoying the accomplishment to being filled with infinite amounts of dread as Becky from Manatee County Public Schools talked about how tough it was cramming 4 years of a doctorate into 12.
I easily spend the next 30 minutes noticing everything I can about the Yuengling Center, think about my schedule for the next couple weeks, and remember things I need to do but can’t do in that moment. All of the sudden, this massive arena feels like a 2ft by 2ft square that I am trapped in.
Now, what should be quite the climactic event in my life, my academic life at least, feels more like work. Something I have to get through, not something I am present for. Another moment I hope to get through quickly so I can get to the next.
–
When my son was an infant, I’d find myself staring at him. Wondering what he was thinking, what he’d say if he could. Where would he go if he could walk? If he could do what he wanted… not just be forced to do whatever I put in front of him… What would he do?
There was always an insecure part of me that wondered if my infant child even liked having me around. If given the option, would he even want to be with me?
Now, at four years old, my son uses a five-word phrase dozens of times a day that I never thought would annoy me, but now somehow does… “Will you play with me?”.
Before you jump to me being a monster who doesn’t play with his kids, understand: I play with my man a lot… like constantly. So the phrase doesn’t come from a desperate plea for someone to finally play with him.
The behaviorist in me knows he uses the phrase because, in the past, it was followed by reinforcement (someone playing with him). He enjoys the playtime, so he uses the phrase again… and so on. Not really rocket science.
So what, Mitchell, isn’t this exactly what you wanted? Does it bother you that your kid likes playing with you and wants to do it more? Well no. It’s just annoying when it occurs at times when I don’t want to play with him.
And of course, anytime I am asked to do something that didn’t originate in my own mind, this task becomes work. Another thing in my way, slowing me down and keeping me from whatever important task I should be doing.
–
What fascinates me, and horrifies me, is that even the things that should be fun can instantly become not-fun when shifted even slightly towards obligation. What horrifies me even more is that it’s not just the daily moments (which occur frequently and are easy to overlook), but major climatic moments… or temporary moments I’ll want back.
Even with how much joy I have in my life, or in these moments, it all gets lost when I get sucked into a singular desire for something other than what the moment is giving me. It’s not limited to preference, urgency, or a larger need. Nope, this same apathetic mentality can drag even my finest moments into the ground.
–
Have you ever made a playlist? *Raises Hand*
Have you ever found yourself listening to a playlist you have made, and skipping songs? *Raises Hand*
Building a playlist is like building a musical experience for yourself to experience later. Maybe the songs are in a specific order, maybe you just hit shuffle, maybe you share the playlist, maybe it’s just for you. Either way, you could have chosen any songs for your playlist, but you chose these. It’s your world. You made it.
Then comes a moment, where you have built this musical world, this musical reality where you chose every part of it… and you chose to hit skip. Rejecting the song prechosen for another.
Sometimes, my life feels like a playlist that I have been working on my whole life. That leads to moments when my life is playing out a song, and I just want to hit skip. Instead of trusting myself and enjoying the music of what I set long ago, I jump forward, chasing something else.
I worked really hard (again, not that smart) for my masters. Enjoy the music of the moment.
I’ve dreamed my whole life about being a father. Enjoy the season where your kids actually WANT to play with you.
I wouldn’t say that I am urging myself (or you) for contentment regardless of your circumstances. Certainly, we all have seasons to grow and change. But we also have to recognize that there are ways to live our lives. We can embrace it, lean into it, or spend it wishing it were different or feeling like things aren’t fair. The moment is here regardless. The playlist is going.
My hope for myself (and you) is peace within yourself that doesn’t pull you from every moment, but lets you celebrate it for what it is. A culmination of chance, hopes, dreams, good luck, bad luck, both from your decisions and far beyond them. It’s unique, it’s yours, it’s mine, it’s ours.
It’s beautiful.
It’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.
(Mitchell, Caleb, Mason, Jake, Logan, Tim)
